Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
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Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything