Stonehinge
You Might Also Like
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.