My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster