The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
You know…for fall…
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*