I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.