[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
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I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Happy Taco Tuesday
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.