A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
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Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much