[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
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When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Always 🥴
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.