dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
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9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Saturday
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
*orders delivery*
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.