My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.