The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.