If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
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I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …