Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.