what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
These are too funny not to post 😂