[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.