Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
that’s really how it is
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Welcome to the stomach
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it