My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
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HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Florida be like…
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
*serious situation*
My brain:
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy