Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
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[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables