I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
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A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.