How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
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I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now