accurate
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Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Hero horse inspires millions
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Hey I worked for it too!
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
How I like cutting carbs