Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”