My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
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If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me too door. Me too.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK