Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
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“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
He wanted to make sure😂
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
@funTweeters
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??