Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
You Might Also Like
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow