TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
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HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.