*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
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People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.