If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
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I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’m not proud
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda