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DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
do horses think humans are hats
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”