My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
You Might Also Like
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me