HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
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Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind