Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.