a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
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[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
This might be the funniest tweet ever
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”