Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
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So glad we cleared that up
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f