It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
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Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Well, this is awkward
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
sin harder.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.