me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
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90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I already tried new things thanks.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though