Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
You Might Also Like
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.