Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?