CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Finally!
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what