Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
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I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog