Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.