I am yelling
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[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Van Gone
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.