ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
OH. COME. ON.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.