Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
You Might Also Like
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.