Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
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I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids