The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Moms. The original autocorrect.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Facebook Twitter
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up