If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
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*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?