Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
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WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt