product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
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My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Had an epiphany today.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.