Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
You Might Also Like
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Best seat on the street 😍
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Sign of the day..
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.